| SYMPTOM |
FAULT |
ACTION TO TAKE |
|
Drink fails to give satisfaction;
shirt front wet |
Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of
face |
Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror, continue as many
times as necessary |
|
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste. Beer unusually pale and
clear |
Glass empty |
Find someone who will buy you another pint |
|
Feet cold and wet |
Glass being held at incorrect angle |
Turn glass so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling |
| Feet warm and
wet |
Loss of self
control |
Stand near dog
and complain to owner about lack of house training, demand a pint in
compensation |
|
Bar blurred |
You are looking through the bottom of your glass |
Find someone to buy you another pint |
| Bar swaying |
Air turbulence unusually high, possibly due to the darts match in
progress |
Insert broom handle down back of jacket |
| Bar moving |
You are being
carried out |
Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if not, complain loudly
that you are being hi-jacked |
|
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has
a fluorescent light strip across it |
You have fallen
over backwards |
If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar |
|
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth |
You have fallen
over forwards |
See above |
|
You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see
your bedroom walls or ceiling |
You have spent another night in the gutter |
Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not then treat
yourself to a well deserved lie in |
| Everything
has
gone dark |
The pub is
closing |
PANIC |